Friday 23 November 2018

Strong words that don't get shouted loud enough

For context: I wrote this whilst laying in bed on a Friday morning. It's a response to a post on Facebook from a guy who goes by the name of Inja. The post asked for guys to stand up and admit they have mental health issues. That suicide kills more young men every year because they are told to 'man up'. Well I'll tell you what I think of that phrase......

Life is tough no matter what your beginnings,
Man's told he gotta be tough to be respected?
I ain't listening to that stuff!

I've cried twice this week,
And yeah that's a good week.
5 months in pain with a bad back is not the furthest I've been down the track.

But I am so much more than what's happening today.
If I told you the full story your hair might turn grey.

The world feels cold when you live in dismay.
You might think that no one got your back.
But brother, sister you should lean right back.
I've been down at the bottom and dragged myself back.
It wasn't pretty or easy but I made myself a new.

Admit defeat and stop fighting yourself.
Cry out in anger and fucking scream and shout.
It took me many years to admit that the problem was me and how I coped.
Should have been obvious really but drugs and booze is such an easy way out.

This isn't a poem or sad story to lament,
I look back on everything that happened to me and I think that I'm lucky to be able to say, I'm ok...

But the most important lesson Ive learnt is that it's ok to not be ok.

The other lesson I learnt is not to bottle it up. Don't ever think you got no one. Hold out your hand and reach out. Go to your doctor and have a chat. Ring the Samaritan and see what they say. The man will be fine and help you if you just cry out.

Don't worry about others if they can't understand how your feeling. This road through life is always uneven.

Just remember the most important person in your life is you. No one else can help you through unless you want it too.

Peace.

Monday 19 November 2018

The National Trust and me.....

I'm in this little video. One brief shot of me face and then it's all down to how well you know my hands and legs to spot the other appearances.



I'd give anything...... No I'd give everything to not have the back pain and be in a financially secure place to go back to doing this kind of thing again. (The back problem is nothing to do with the best 3 and a bit years of my working life.....)

You may be thinking that it can't be like this everyday but those people in the video with me are some of the best people I've ever met. Even a shit day with this lot was better than the best days anywhere else...... I mean..... How often do you get to be friends with ponies and then the ponies follow you for no reason at all in your job? I know that hasnth happen in any job I've had since.



Working for the National Trust firstly as a volunteer and then as a paid ranger made me appreciate life in a way that I didn't quite understand before. I'm no longer materialistic. I don't care what people think of how I look or what I say. What I say has feeling and meaning attached to it and is not there to impress anyone.

I miss those people and those places so much. My aim in life used to be to just get to the next day with as little stress as possible. Now all I can do is gaze into the future and hope that one day soon my back in good enough to manage the journey to these places so I can visit my friends and see what they are up to.

One day soon.......


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